They’re Just Not That into You

Sitting alone wondering, breakup, relationship reading

Don’t let this tea get cold–get it hot and get it now.

Updated December 17th, 2020

So many people wonder if their ex wants them back or if their potential love interest wants a romantic relationship. Here’s the tea: You don’t need a Tarot reading to answer this question.

This post is more direct, more pointed, than my usual writing. I feel pretty strongly about this topic and about empowering you to define your own relationships. That said, there’s no shame here, no judgment, and no blame, just encouragement to open your eyes and pick up the pieces. Allow me to walk beside you on this rocky path, if you will.

Disclaimer: This book, He’s Just Not That into You, was written from a hetero standpoint with religious and moral views we don’t all buy into–however, many of the concepts apply to any type of unfulfilling relationship. As always, dear reader, please take only what resonates with you and leave the rest.

Why I’m Writing This

I want you to know the truth so you can move on. This is tough love, a hard lesson that may sting but will free you from doubt. If I lose some readings because of this post, I’ve accomplished my goal–empowering you to recognize truth and to rebuild yourself instead of sitting around wishing, waiting.

I’ve been the other woman, the one who “saved them”, the booty call who was hoping for more, the one staying up too late refreshing my messages to see if they finally wrote back…I don’t want that for you, dear heart.

You are worthy of receiving the same time and attention you give. You are worthy of love and respect just as you are.

Notice that there’s a period at the end of that last statement. Not a question mark, or a comma. Right now, you are worthy of being treated as well as you treat others. When you’re laser-focused on your desires, it may be difficult to see the reality of the situation.

“What you deserve is sometimes more important than what you want.” 

-Kovie Biakalo, Thought Catalog,
11 Pieces Of Advice From “He’s Just Not That Into You” And Whether Or Not You Should Believe Them

If you feel confused about whether someone wants a committed, loving relationship with you, please consider the following lessons from the book He’s Just Not That into You.

They’re Just Not That Into You if…

  • they call or text you first less than once a week
  • you feel the need to study every text for any hint of whether they’re into you
  • you’re not sure if they’re into you
  • they don’t reply to your messages within a day or two–No answer IS your answer. Please read that again.
  • you’re not sure if you should keep trying (to get in touch/ get their attention/ see if they want a relationship)
  • you’ve never met their friends or loved ones
  • you only ever “Netflix and chill” or “hang out” instead of going out in public on dates
  • you only meet up for sex
  • they only want to see you when they get drunk/ high
  • you’re not sure where the relationship is headed
  • you’re unsure whether you’re dating or not
  • they’re not dating you
  • they’re dating someone else
  • they’re married to someone else. If they’re still married, they’re just not that into you. Really. Forget their stories about feeling trapped and don’t fall for “we’re only still together for/ so we can/ because…” or “I’ll leave as soon as I/ she/ they/ my company…”. No. Just no.
  • they cheated on you, even once–they chose to cheat knowing there was a risk of ending your relationship.
  • they’re trying to break up with you
  • they broke up with you (especially if they become interested AFTER you begin dating someone else)
  • they’ve ghosted you or disappeared from your life
  • they stopped coming around
  • they stopped texting you
  • you’re not sure if they’re coming back
  • you feel the need to check all their social media to see if they’ve posted since you last messaged them
  • they leave you wondering if they’re okay or if they lost their phone (and your number) or were eaten by a bear
  • they yell at you in anger, humiliate you, or make you feel unattractive or bad about yourself. No one and no thing deserves this treatment at any time, no matter what.

Of course, there are occasionally legitimate reasons for these behaviors such as they’re currently on foreign detail for intelligence operations/ in boot camp for the armed forces/ on a Peace Corps mission, they died, or both their hands are broken badly/ have fallen off/ were frostbitten… (Morbid, I know. But there is a point here.)

If you feel the need to argue and point out other “reasons” why I’m wrong, they’re just not that into you. Period.

“When you recognize how precious you are, you are discerning + assertive towards the type of people [you allow in your life]+ their behavior toward you.”

Dr. Cat Meyer, licensed sex therapist and relationship coach

Don’t Accept These Excuses as Reasons to Keep Trying

(but do accept them as your sign to look elsewhere for companionship)

  • They “don’t want to ruin the friendship”
  • “are afraid of getting hurt again”. If you’re willing to take that chance, you deserve someone equally willing.
  • “have a lot on their mind right now”. (“a lot” sometimes equals “other people” or “more important things [than you]”)
  • “travel a lot”/ “have a lot going on right now”/ “are very busy”. We make time for our priorities. No one says their bladder burst because they “just didn’t have time” to pee (except maybe nurses and mums, amirite?). Maybe that’s a dumb example, but it’s true.

And Don’t Make Excuses for Their Behavior

  • They “are intimidated by you/ your success/ your independence”. While some of us certainly need to feel needed, I feel this is more likely to be an aspect of a caring relationship to work on together than a deal breaker before it even begins.
  • “just shy”. Shy people still manage to schedule dates/ enter relationships/ have conversations.

Don’t waste your precious energy and emotions on someone who doesn’t care as much as you do. You deserve better.

“…start with acknowledging that you’ve been hurt. Next, pick up the pieces of your broken heart and start mending it. Love yourself more by doing what you love.”

-Lachlan Brown, 9 typical signs of unrequited love (and how to deal with it)

Do

  • Follow your passions, those activities that really light you up.
  • Get back into your old hobbies: reading historical fiction, studying French, or teaching your cat to ride a Roomba (please let me know when you succeed!).
  • Invest in yourself with any sort of affordable or DIY upgrade, whether for your room, your car, or your outdoor space–it shows self-worth.
  • Take a class, take a walk, take a couple hubcaps (just kidding! That link is to one of my favorite quotations, though.)–DO anything that occupies your mind in a lighthearted way.
  • Study something new to build your skills and self-confidence.
  • Re-teach yourself (or learn for the first time) that you are a whole person, just as you are, on your own, without needing anyone else to approve of your choices.

Your feelings and your needs matter.

Go live your best life. Enjoy yourself without checking your phone like a rat on crack. If you’re hurting right now and need to take any of these steps from a getting-even standpoint, please know that living well really is the best revenge.


Next Steps

Browse #selfcaretips or #mentalhealthsupport on IG – Pick one or two activities to try today. Then find a new phone background from the images you like. I’m asking you to choose how to remind yourself that you matter, that your time is valuable, and that your attention is truly a gift.

He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth ($12) – Though the book is written from a very hetero standpoint and with some religious and moral views we don’t all subscribe to, many of the concepts apply to almost any kind of unfulfilling relationship.

Focus on self-care and self-love with my Transform Your Love Life Bundle, my top-tier readings centered on what’s great about you and how to use those qualities to your advantage as you build the life you want.


Disclaimer

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